I have combined blogs into one centralized location. You can now find all entries from Positive and Effective Parenting at The Homeschool Advocate – “Where hilarity, learning, and parenting challenges collide.” Even if you are not planning on homeschooling, come take a look and recommend it to other parents. There is much more to the site that simply homeschooling topics!
Your Reaction Counts
Every parent wants to think their child is perfect, and I’m no exception. However, there is a large gap at times between what we want and what the reality is.
Recently our little 4-year-old has been misbehaving in stores. She will be fine at first, somehow convincing her dad that she should be free to walk beside him instead of sitting in a cart.Within moments of being freed she is running up and down aisles, grabbing at things, tripping up shoppers and causing general mayhem.
I will not comment on how often he falls for this, but suffice it to say, it’s been plenty. And recently she’s taken her mayhem up a notch, acting out from her seat, reaching to grab anything close to her, demanding treats, demanding to be released, or that a certain parent push her, wanting to know (quite loudly) why the store is so stinky (we were in an Asian market) or (just as loudly) speculating on whether “that one with the really big tummy is the mommy or the daughter of the other one with the really big bottom.”
Yes, she said that and yes, they heard her. I was so embarrassed I couldn’t look at them, but the DH said at least one of them was staring knives at us.
We finished with the Asian supermarket and DH said, “I just want to make one more stop.” He pulled into a parking lot and left the car running. “I’ll just be a moment.”
Emily began to holler and cry. She wanted to go with him (undoubtedly she felt the need for more mayhem) and we both said no as he exited the van and walked quickly away.
“Why didn’t Daddy take me with him?” she asked, seemingly both outraged and offended at being left behind.
“Why do you think he left you behind?” I responded.
“Well…I don’t know.”
“Perhaps it is because of your behavior in stores recently,” I suggested, “think back to how you have been acting.”
There was a long pause. “I like Daddy better than you, Mama.”
Ouch. “I don’t care who you like better, I care about your actions and behavior. Now tell me, how do you think your behavior has been today?”
Another long silence.
“I grabbed stuff off of the shelves. And I yelled at you and Daddy.”
“Yes you did.”
“But I want to go in with Daddy! I’ll be good, I will…please?”
“I’m sorry Emily, but when you act like that, it takes a lot more than a promise to be good. You have to change your behavior for a while, and then you can go back and we will try again.”
We talked back and forth a bit more, and there were tears and kicking of seats. When my DH returned, Emily said sadly to him, “I wanted to go with you, Daddy.”
As if he had been listening to our conversation all along he said, “I would have liked to take you, but your behavior has not been the best today. I hope that will change so you can go with me next time.”
Sometimes our kids can really put us through the wringer. They are capable of embarrassing us and making us angrier than is healthy (for us or them!). It is important, therefore, to step back and proverbially count to ten, before reacting.
Emily had received plenty of verbal warnings from us, including the tried but true, “You know better than that!” She was attempting to gain our attention through inappropriate means, and also to control her surroundings, again through inappropriate means, by grabbing at items and issuing demands for food, freedom, et cetera.
The exclusion from an activity truly bothered her. She is very attached to both of us, and loves to go with us into new places. That said, she is not always willing to behave when there. So our reaction must be a calm yet firm denial of freedom (or choice) until her behavior changes.
And as for the ladies with the large tummies and bottoms…well, that just needs to be included in my list of “when we are out we do not…”
So far that list includes:
- You will not pick your nose
- You will not talk about your farts
- You will not comment loudly on how a place smells
- You will not discuss other people’s body size or appearance
I’m sure there are more, but those are the ones we typically review before leaving the van. What are some of yours?
Coin-Operated Boy Redux
I love my daughter. Actually, I love both of them, very much. However, today, I’m speaking of the younger one, age four years three months.
Recently, she has had an obsession with the song “Coin-Operated Boy” by the Dresden Dolls. Now, let’s ignore the phallic symbolism and self-love implications for a moment here. After all, she’s four, she has no idea what the song is talking about. She only knows that she likes the song, and only remembers one line from the song, “and I’ll never be alone” which she will sing over and over and over and over, and yes, over again.
As we were driving to her grandmother’s house she began to sing (rather loudly, I may add, it drowned out the radio) this one phrase for about three minutes straight. I thought I would lose my mind. 90% of me wanted to yell, “Enough already! Shut up, you!”
Thankfully I listened to the quiet 10% instead. The conversation played out something like this:
Emily: And I’ll never be alone, and I’ll never be alone, and I’ll…
Me: Wow! You really like that song, don’t you?
Emily: [enthusiastically] Oh yes!…[begins to sing AGAIN] And I’ll never be alone, and I’ll never be alone, and I’ll…
Me: What other songs do you like?
Emily: Well, I like the song that has the bananas…and I like the song with the rainbow in it.
Me: Really? Bananas and rainbows? How fun? Let’s see, do you remember any of the words?
Emily: No…
Me: Would the song with the rainbow be…[singing] Somewhere, over the rainbow…
Emily: Yes, yes! That was it!
What followed was a ten minute discussion on lyrics and songs that she liked, of which there were many. And thankfully, I didn’t have to listen to “and I’ll never be alone, and I’ll never be alone” any longer!
What struck me the most was the joy in her voice when I first commented on how she liked the song, and then again when I asked what other songs she liked. Joy at sharing her interests with me, joy at the personal attention she was getting, it made a difference to her. I realized, hearing that joy so evident, that she hadn’t been trying to drive me insane, which I had certainly contemplated after three solid minutes of hearing her repeatedly sing “and I’ll never be alone.”
It reminded me of the four goals of behavior:
- Attention/Contact
- Power/Independence
- Revenge/Protection
- Inadequacy/Withdrawal
When we examine our children’s behaviors, they typically fall into one of the four main categories and are exhibited in either appropriate or inappropriate ways. For example, if your child is constantly bothering you while you are on a phone call and will not stop, that could be Attention. However, if he comes up, asks if you will read to him, and then accepts your answer of “no, I’m on the phone and I will read to you when I get off of it” then that would be Contact.
Power struggles often arise out of a need for Independence. We see this in toddlers and often refer to this age as “The Terrible Twos” – the child wants to dress herself and you find yourself arguing that “no, you can’t wear a bathing suit outside in December!”
Judging by Emily’s response to my interactions, she was definitely in the Attention/Contact category of behavior. When I think back, I realize she had no idea she was annoying me, so she wasn’t even going about it in a way that could be considered inappropriate. But the simple repetition of it was enough to make me want to change the paradigm, and quickly! So I used distraction and engagement – and as a result we had a lovely discussion and a peaceful remainder of our drive to grandma’s house.
Understanding the goals of behavior is important. Once you understand the need your child has, you can adjust your own reactions to turn an inappropriate behavior into an appropriate one. This strengthens your relationship and helps with future communications. One of the keys to understanding which of the four goals of behavior your child currently is exhibiting is to pay attention to your own reaction. The next time your kiddo says or does something that has you all riled up, ask yourself the following:
- What is my reaction to this behavior?
Annoyance and Irritation – If you feel annoyance or irritation, your child is most likely asking/demanding attention.
Threatened, provoked or intimidated – If you feel any of these emotions, your child is most likely seeking Power/Independence
Deeply hurt, resentment, or even hatred – Your child has most likely done something to seek Revenge
Helpless and discouraged – Your child may have retreated, given up on something you think he is capable of doing, or in other words, Display of Inadequacy
There is an excellent article here that describes the four goals of behavior and gives some tips on how to deal with them.
More often than not, our children are not deliberately trying to drive us crazy. Instead, they are seeking to fill needs, just as they did as infants in regards to comfort (food, clean diaper, rest). One of our jobs as parents is to help them make appropriate choices, and encourage appropriate behavior, while helping them to fill those needs and goals.
Happy Parenting!
Lessons from “Jack and the Beanstalk”
The other day as I was snapping my daughter into her car seat, I noticed a strange bulge.
In her pants.
“‘Don’t look!” she wailed, covering the bulge.
I ignored her and pulled out…a golf ball.
Weird, yes. Out of the ordinary? Quite.
“Where did you get this?” I asked.
“From [name of playmate].”
“Does she know you have it?”
A guilty look, “No.”
“Emily! When you take something that doesn’t belong to you, without someone giving you permission, that is stealing! And stealing is bad.” She promptly burst into tears.
A few minutes later, we had returned the ball and apologized for taking something that was not ours. But the discussion was not over, and as we drove home, Emily and I talked about how it must feel to have something taken from you, how it hurts people’s feelings, and on and on.
How ironic is it that she should choose “Jack and the Beanstalk” for her bedtime story that night.
For those who have not read this little gem recently, I will recap it for you:
Jack and his mother are dirt poor and they sell their cow. In return they get magic beans which Jack’s mother throws out the window. The next morning Jack finds a beanstalk. He climbs it, goes into the giant’s castle [a classic case of breaking and entering], steals the giant’s gold coins [felony] and runs away. After Jack and his mother blow through the gold he returns and steals the golden goose [misdemeanor?]. After a while, he returns and steals a golden harp [felony] and the giant, having already been stolen from and trespassed upon twice, gives chase. Jack shimmies down the beanstalk and the giant tries to follow, instead of catching Jack, he falls to his death [involuntary manslaughter].
For all of this mischief, Jack and his mother [his accomplice and/or mentor] live happily ever after – having stolen repeatedly from and then having killed the giant.
So what if the giant eats Englishmen or likes the smell of their blood? He sure as heck never got a chance to eat Jack who is, after all, a classic repeat offender and overall malcontent.
I mistakenly thought that these old fairy tales were supposed to encourage children to be better behaved, not turn to larceny. Silly me!
Needless to say, I’ll be avoiding “Jack and the Beanstalk” for a little while. I don’t think it is giving my impressionable young daughter any more reason to turn towards a life of crime.
Homeschooling – Yes, It Really Is “That Simple”
I just wrote a line that I’m especially pleased with…
Homeschooling is something that occurs naturally in all healthy and loving homes – it is a child’s natural learning state, conducted by a person who understands them better than any hired teacher ever could.
I was writing it to a friend and the words just flowed out, but I recognize the essential truth of it. This past Monday I attended a homeschooling meeting with L.E.A.R.N. (Let Education Always Remain Natural), which is a secular homeschooling group in Kansas City. My daughter will be four years old in October and while it is early still to begin ‘official’ schooling, I think it is the perfect time to begin making connections and finding other homeschooling moms with children her age range.
I homeschooled my older daughter, now 21, through her high school years out of necessity. I wasn’t happy with the school district we were in and she was so unhappy in school. After I pulled her out I gave her a few weeks to decompress and asked her what she wanted to learn. She would go on to study Women’s History, American Politics, and College-level Algebra, among other things. Sometimes she would spend an entire week on history, other times writing essays on what she had learned. No day was the same, no week planned to the nth degree.
And then along came her baby sister and her dad and I decided we would try homeschooling from the start. And so I have been planning on this for years.I went on to write:
The thing about homeschooling to keep in mind is this: You are already homeschooling. You’ve been homeschooling since the day she was born. Every time you count with her, involve her in cooking, cleaning, exercise, pet care, reading, or nature – you are homeschooling…Whenever you answer her questions, teach her something, ask her a math question…that’s homeschooling.
There are dozens of websites, scores of books, and plenty of people who can tell you more about homeschooling. No, it isn’t for everyone, but it is a real and wonderful option and opportunity that could make the difference for your child and instill a love of learning that is lifelong.
Something to think about…
“You Get What You Get” – Lessons from “Pinkalicious” and other books
A friend of mine gave my daughter a couple of cute books – “Pinkalicious” and “Purplicious” And a line from “Pinkalicious” keeps recurring around our house.
Pinkalicious’ mom tells her, “You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.”
What is it about some lines in books that kids grab a hold of and never forget? In any case, Emily has done just this. It certainly has come in handy for me in a pinch.
“Mama, I want [fill in the blank] to eat.”
“You can have a slice of apple, but I’m serving dinner soon.”
“BUT…” The whine begins.
“You get what you get.” I remind her gently.
“And you don’t throw a fit.” She responds.
“Exactly!”
And that’s it. That’s all it takes. Oh, thank you “Pinkalicious!”
Another favorite phrase around our house is “Green Eggs and Ham!” This usually comes up with new food or food we haven’t fixed in a while.
Emily looks over the food cooking on the stove, “I don’t want that!”
“Green eggs and ham,” I say to her, “Try it, try it and, you might like it!”
A small suffering sigh in reply, “Ohhkay.”
Sometimes she likes it, other times not, but at least she tried the food.
I look forward to the day she uses these phrases on me…
I Just Couldn’t Resist
On Monday I had a friend and her daughter over for a play date for the girls. We were swapping kid stories and she mentioned the intricate tea parties and said, “Well, I’m sure you are familiar with all of that.”
Not so much.
Yes, my daughter has tea set. It’s in her play kitchen in her room. And yes, occasionally she brings it to me to ‘drink’. But long and involved tea parties where a full-sized adult crouches at a miniature table and balances precariously on a pint-sized chair?
Not so much.
“When I was a kid, I was rather lonely. No siblings, not even a lot of playmates on my street, I spent a lot of time alone.” I told my friend. “I used to tell myself that when I had a child, I would play with her all day long.” I shrugged, “But then I grew up and had Dee and I just didn’t have any idea how to play with Barbies or at ‘let’s pretend’ any more. So I told myself that I would do what I could and not worry about being my child’s playmate.”
I even quoted Annie Dillard’s essay, “Handed My Own Life” in which Annie writes, “I did not understand then, but soon came to realize that you do what you do out of your private passion for the thing itself.” My time for Fisher Price Little People or Spirograph or Barbies has faded into sweet memories. I have no real interest in playing with them any longer.
That was on Monday.
On Wednesday Emily was with me in a client’s house and she saw some Play-Doh in the little boy’s room. The only way I could get her out of there without opening the Play-Doh was to promise her some of her own. And so, that evening we drove to Wal-Mart to find some for my little princess. Play-Doh hasn’t changed a lot in 35 years. A few more new colors and other than that, it’s pretty much the same. We picked out a set of four big canisters and a “Sea Creatures” play set.
And somewhere between unwrapping the packaging and tossing the plastic and cardboard into the trash I found myself on the floor, absorbed in making the octopus’ tentacles grow and cutting out the perfect fish. Eventually my feet fell asleep and my back ached. We had a great time playing with the Play-Doh.
I’m not changing my position. I’m a mom and business owner and domestic goddess first…childhood playmate falls pretty far down on the list. But this one time I couldn’t resist. The next day saw me down on the floor again when the vintage Fisher Price Little People Circus I bought on eBay came in the mail.
For a few moments, it was 1976 all over again.
How about you? Do you play with your kids? Games? Cards? Pretend play like tea parties or sword fights?
Fun with Play-Doh!
13…No…14 Books to Read
I woke up this morning, sat up in bed and looked over at the bookshelf. A moment later I was pulling out books. My husband opened one bleary eye, stared at the stack of books that had appeared on the bed, groaned and rolled over, pulling the blankets over his head.
The stack included…
- Learning All the Time
- The Educated Child
- Home Learning Year by Year
- How Children Fail
- I Love You Rituals
- Guerrilla Learning
- The Unprocessed Child
- The Unschooling Handbook
- Homeschool Your Child for Free
- Last Child in the Woods
- Under Pressure
- The Ultimate Book of Homeschooling Ideas
- Real-Life Homeschooling
I left “Hothouse Kids” on the shelf. I may read it later, or just review it, but the title kind of gives it away. And “Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons” is currently on its way to me in the mail.
And speaking of titles giving things away…can you guess what my focus is on this morning? Yep…homeschooling, learning, and unschooling.
Who knows, maybe I’ll teach a class on homeschooling in the near future.
I’ve collected these books over the years and some of them I have already read. But as I sat on the edge of the bed this morning I realized, “Emily’s nearly four, she is very interested in reading, so it’s time to begin.”
No, I won’t be reading each and every book from cover to cover. But while I’m waiting for “100 Easy Lessons” to arrive, I think it is time for a refresher on the subject of homeschooling. It’s been a solid five years since I have had to plan any lessons or check homework.
The important thing to remember is that homeschooling, or unschooling, can take many different faces and forms. Many folks purchase a homeschooling program or participate in an online learning site.
Others wing it or create their own homeschooling program, cobbling it together with an assortment of different books, online resources, and by the seat of their pants. When I pulled my oldest out of high school, this is exactly what I did. She learned women’s history, studied politics and government, and we used my college Algebra book for math among other learning tools. Danielle wrote reports, watched the Discovery channel and participated in community activities to round out her home education. It worked well for us and I was able to accomplish it while working a full-time job – questions on Algebra or other assignments waited until I was home or we worked on them during the weekend.
“Unschooling refers to a range of educational philosophies and practices centered on allowing children to learn through their natural life experiences, including child directed play, game play, household responsibilities, work experience and social interaction, rather than through a more traditional school curriculum. Unschooling encourages exploration of activities led by the children themselves, facilitated by the adults.”
Unschooling - – as the definition from Wikipedia suggests, is less structured. In many ways, I believe that our children’s first five years at home are an excellent example of unschooling at its best.
Children naturally want to learn. Keeping that drive to learn alive, whether through traditional schooling, homeschooling or unschooling is key to unlocking their future potential. In other words, it’s less about what WE want as what is good for them. In as much as we can provide the choices of public, private, homeschool or unschool (I do understand how difficult it can be to be a single parent and want to homeschool–I was that single parent) our focus should be on helping foster a love affair with learning.
I believe that without a love for learning, without the thirst for knowledge and the indomitable spirit that seeks to understand the world around them, we are doomed to live half lives.
So foster a love of learning in each child you meet or have in your life.
You don’t have to read fourteen books to do it. You don’t have to read any of them for that matter.
But you do have to care. And in most cases, your own joy and thirst for knowledge may prove the perfect example or role model for a struggling child.
Getting Kids to Drink More Water
With the onset of the warm months it is important for everyone to drink plenty of water and stay hydrated. This is especially true for children, who can become overheated and dehydrated very quickly.
Take our own situation for example. After a round of visits to the doctor for a urinary tract infection a month ago, we have been super-vigilant with our 3 1/2 year old’s elimination habits – making sure she wipes properly, etc. But when she complained that her girl parts hurt a week ago, I was convinced she had contracted another UTI. Off to the doctor we went and submitted a urine sample for testing. The results came back negative for a UTI, but the doctor advised that her pH levels were higher than they should be and to encourage her to drink more water.
In a nation where soda and fruit juice are so prevalent, we have been making a conscious effort to no longer stock soda and limit access to fruit juices – presenting milk and water as choices at meals. That has worked reasonably well, but I found that our daughter was choosing milk over water pretty consistently. How could I make water a more pleasant alternative? The answer came to me this past week as we prepared to teach a cooking with fresh herbs class – “Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme: Cultivating and Cooking with Fresh Herbs.”
My husband Dave had made a mint syrup to add to the iced tea we would be serving at the event. Here is the recipe:
- 1 cup water
- 2 cups sugar
- large handful of mint leaves (approximately 1 cup)
Put mint leaves in food processor w/1 tablespoon sugar (as an abrasive) and 1-2 tablespoons of water. Blend until mint is finely minced. Bring the water and mint leaves to a boil in a small saucepan, add remaining sugar. Boil for 2-5 minutes or longer if you want the syrup thicker. Strain syrup through a fine sieve to remove any particulate matter. Store in a closed container for up to two weeks at room temperature or up to twelve months in the refrigerator.
Add just 1/2 teaspoon of mint syrup to a cup and add 6-8 ounces of cold water. This will give the water a clean, minty taste. Our daughter loves the taste of it and asks for it regularly. The amount of sugar (when you consider that you are only adding 1/2 teaspoon is negligible to the benefits that drinking the water gives her. Also, mint helps digestion!
My husband also made a ginger syrup for the more ‘adult’ tastebuds…the only difference is he substituted a ‘hand’ of fresh ginger (finely chopped) for the mint. If you don’t feel like making your own, try a Torini syrup in a flavor your child will enjoy. Just 1/2 teaspoon will flavor the water and make water a far more appealing choice!
A Note From the Past
A wise woman once wrote:
“You can’t wing child rearing despite finest attempts and I KNOW you love her. But she is little and different. Not at all like an adult…I believe in good parenting to the depth of my soul.”
Okay…[deep breath]
#1: Never organize your papers (especially letters and cards from the past) when in a ‘delicate’ mindset. I think I need to sit under a nice wide-spectrum light and combat the effects of Seasonal Affective Disorder, but I cried buckets when I read the card she had written.
#2: I heard you and I listened, Diane, for that matter I still am…20 years later.
I have yet to find a person for whom parenting comes naturally. It isn’t that I don’t believe they exist, for I’m sure they do, but the demands that raising a new life bring us are varied, ever-changing, and oh so challenging.I guess that’s why I’m such a believer in parenting classes. If for nothing else, it’s like being handed a toolbox with shiny new features and options guaranteed to improve and enhance. Even if you are already a great parent, getting to take home the toolbox adds clarity and commitment to everything you do.
I wish that I could tell Diane how much her not so subtle push towards that parenting class changed me, and altered everything that would follow in how I related to my children. I fell in love with parenting, the things I learned then and since altered me irrevocably. Not just that, but I was lucky enough to be in a position to help others become exceptional parents as well. Teaching parenting classes has been a true joy for me as I have shared what I have learned over the past twenty years with scores of parents.
I wish Diane could have met my little one, or even her own daughter’s two sons, now aged nine and four. They would have thought she was funny and weird, and they would have liked her a lot.
Diane passed from our lives in early 1994. In the eight years prior to that she infuriated, frustrated, amused, challenged and inspired me in countless ways. She had a quirky way about her, she lived her life fully and without compromise, and she left a legacy behind that I think of often:
- Enjoy this moment, find humor in life’s dramas and embrace weirdness
- Be the best parent that you can be, always and forever
A couple of months ago I blogged in Coaching Through Thought and Action – my life coaching blog – that “you must not come lightly” to life change or writing or whatever you set out to do. It bears repeating here. When it comes to parenting, you also ‘must not come lightly.’ As Diane so eloquently wrote, you can’t wing it, despite your finest attempts. Take the time to think about it, to weigh what is right, to realize you hold such a precious gift in your hands.
I think of the twist of fate that brought parenting classes into my life. And I think of Diane often as I reflect on how those classes affected how I have raised my two children. She was right, “they are little and different, not at all like an adult.”
There are no ‘do-overs’ when raising a child.
